So much to say, so much to say, so much to say....

Thursday night I went out to Goodbar with Beth because our roommate Katie got free tickets and our first drink for free. We had drank before and were pretty wasted. We danced and fell in love with this one girl, lol. I'm not questioning my sexuallity or anything, but this girl was just the most confident coolest girl we had ever seen, and we just wanted to be her. We were pretty much staring at her a lot, so I'm sure she was toroughly creaped out. I also met a boy named Dan. He's 26 and Beth says he looks like Carson Daly, but I don't see it. We danced and talked and I was suppose to call him Sunday... but that ain't happenin'...

Friday I drove home to Geneva with my roommates Lynn, Beth, and Kristin to spend the weekend at home. Mom made us calzones and we ate like it was the last supper. We started drinking around 9, and then Joe came over at 10:30 to go downtown. We were all pretty drunk down there so it was a good time. I saw Ricky and actually talked to him, I was waiting for him to say something about me kicking his car, but luckily it wasn't brought up. We bar hopped a bit and ended up running into Tim from Boston who was up for the weekend with his frat brothers. We ran into him again at the end of the night at Cam's. We also saw some other interesting people at Cam's ;) so it was a good decision for pizza at the time. Joe's mom came to pick us up and we went back to my house to finish off the remaining calzones, lol.

Saturday my roommates and I went to Ling Ling's for lunch and stuffed ourselves. Then my mom was our DD and we hit some wineries on Rt. 14. Lynn and Kristin bought some wine, and Beth and I just reaped the benefits of the free wine tasting. Back at my house Mom made tacos and once again we stuffed ourselves. We started drinking around the same time and Joe came over around 11. He got out a work late so basically only had time for one drink before we were leaving, so he drove us down with the intention of leaving his car downtown after we got drunk. We went to Side Show for about 3 minutes just to get shots of Dirty Girl Scout, then we headed to Wylies. Ricky was working the door, but was being cool still. Tim and his brothers showed up shortly after we got there and most of the night Kristin and I just talked to them. It was really funny because Kristin was pretty drunk and both of us were being really sarcastic. Joe, Stacey, Beth and Lynn went up to Copperfield's, but Kristin and I stayed, when they came back they ended up leaving because Joe and Stacey weren't drunk and were just tired. I felt really bad cause I thought they were mad at me for hanging out with Tim the whole time, but I only get to see him like 2 times a year, so I know they understood that. I like to think they still had fun despite me talking to Tim all night.

After Tim bought Krissy and I some shots, we headed to Cam's and then to Tim's frat house. I was basically dragging Kristin there cause she was so drunk, and Tim was dragging me because I was pretty intoxicated myself. We played pool and just hung out at Chi Phi, well actually Kristin was passed out the whole time, but I was hanging out, lol. We eventually said our goodbyes and walked to my house. I didn't kiss TIm at all because I know he is seeing someone back in Boston. I wanted to, but I didn't because that's not fair to myself, or to whoever he is seeing. It was good to see him though...

Sunday we just drove back (timidly because it was bad weather) and I ended up talking to Tim later in the night because I made him call and let me know when he got back to bean-town. He said that he talked to Ricky a bit at the bar, and I didn't know what to say to it so I was like, "oh cool." Then there was akward silence, lol. Tim knows that I was talking to Ricky over the summer, and Ricky knows that Tim has liked me for a long time, but neither of them got along in college (they bother were at Hobart at the same time) so I was a little nervous about how uncomfortable I'd be at Wylies with both of them, especially since I talked to Ricky for a while at one point in the night when Tim was there and he invited me to his house after to hang out, but of course I didn't go, and luckily the night was not filled with any drama. The only weird point was at the end of the night when Ricky was clearing all the bottles he kept walking by and either winking or smiling at me, and I wasn't going to be a bitch and not acknowledge him so I would smile, and Tim kept seeing it so I felt bad then, it was completely innocent though, plus Tim and I aren't together! I have to keep telling myself that... we are just friends... as much as I think it's impossible for us to be just that... I'm probably just being paranoid since guys are oblivious and I'm sure neither of them felt awkward... just me, lol.

Here's a recap of my weekend...

Friday night we got to the Park Hyatt in Toronto, after some brutal traffic on the way up, and checked in. Tim, Amanda (his gf), their friend Jeremy, Beth and I were all sharing a room. We went out to eat with Tim's friend Jay who lives in Toronto. I didn't care for Jay much simply because he talked a lot and was not very amusing, but he was a nice guy. I kept making fun of him cause he said he was Dutch so I would go "Isn't that weird?" like Goldmember in the Austin Powers movie. After dinner we just went back to the hotel and hung out. I had to get up early for the recruiting rally, so we weren't gonna go out. Beth and I were pretty hyper though and pretty much acted like we were at a 3rd grade sleepover. It was a fun night though.

Saturday I got up at 6:45 AM!!! I had to get be to the rally at 8am. So I got all gussied up and headed down with Tim to the recruitment. We went to some Career building sessions and what not, and I had an interview at 12:45 with the guy from the Hyatt in New Orleans. I think the interview went really well, so I walked out feeling good. I'll find out in the next couple of days if I got the internship.
After I interviewed, we went to the Eaton Center which is this HUGE mall. I wasn't really in the mood to shop, but I found a really cute top to wear out that night, and Beth got one too. I tried to nap at the hotel when we got back, but I really can't sleep with other people in the room, so I was exhausted and I had a migraine. We ordered pizza for dinner, then we all got ready for the night out. We went to this club called The Government. It had about 7 bars and was absolutely amazing. It was the coolest club I've ever been to. Wyclef and J-lo and a bunch of other people have filmed videos and movies there. It was really packed, but I wasn't overwhelmed by it. I met a cute Canadian named Dominic. We danced and flirted for a while. I danced like crazy, but by about 4am I was beat. So I left by myself cause everyone else was staying. It was good though, cause I got to sleep a few hours alone in quiet. Sunday we hit the road and get back to Buffalo around 2pm. I passed out by 7pm and didn't wake up til 10am on Monday. Those 15 hours of sleep felt great.....

I'm off to Toronto! Pray that I make it there and back safely.... oh yeah, and that I get a job!!

Go see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days... everyone. It was the funniest romantic comedy I have even, and believe me I've seen my share of romantic comedies. If you can't find someone to go with you, I will go again, it was that good.

After the movie last night I went to Club Marchella's downtown (which is a gay bar) where Pinky's friend Conrad was performing in the drag show. Julie, Tim, Amanda, and I all went with Pinky and had such an awesome time. The bartender was sooo freakin hot, and he was pictured on the promotional brochure with his shirt off. Julie and I had him autograph it and were flirting with him all night. We were trying to figure out if he swang our way or not, lol. The performers in the show were amazing. I have never seen such HOT he/shes. There was this one who's name was V, and Julie use to go to school with him (when he was a he). He/She had the most amzing body I have ever seen. She was hotter than most of the women I know. It was quite entertaining. Oh yeah, I thought the bouncer was exactly my type and he went to school with Julie's sister so I talked to him for awhile. He is friends with Tim so hopefully we'll all hang out sometime... :)

could this day BE any shittier?

Why is it that the boys that do like me are ones I would never like, and the boys I like could never like me? I think I am cursed....

Yah! I made it back safe. There was barely any snow outside of Geneva, so I lucked out. Now I'll update you on the weekend....

My weekend started on Thursday because we had the 100 Days party at school. The 100 Days party is just a party to celebrate 100 days til graduation. I started drinking at about 4:30pm with Lynn and was making dinner at the time. Pinky, Amanda, and Tim all came over for my lasagna and brought 2 boxes of wine. I was hammered before we even ate! Beth came up and she came with us over to Amanda's house to hang out before we went to the party. I don't remember much about the party except that I got in for free, got 2 free shirts, and drank for free all night, all because I have the right connections, lol. Beth, Lynn, Rachel and I all hung out at the party and decided to go on spring break together to Fort Lauderdale! I don't remember much else, but I know I went to Connor's for a bit after the party, then left. On the way home in the shuttle these 3 black guys were hitting on me and wanted me to go to a party with them and kept calling me "Shorty", lol. I'm scared though cause now they know where I live! I've already seen them drive by the next day! AH!

Friday I drove home to Geneva to visit Joe! I was hesitant to leave because Jonathan just broke up with Beth and she wasn't taking it well, but I knew Kristin and Lynn would be there for her and I knew that Joe desperately needed to go out. So I came home and made my mom take me out to eat at Ciccino's. After dinner I went to see Joe and Stacey and got ready to go. Joe picked me and Stacey up and we drank at his house for a bit before his mom took us to the bars. We went to just about every bar in Geneva. We were all on a mission, lol. I was the only one drinking cause Joe and Stacey felt sick, so I felt stupid being the only drunk, but that didn't stop me from having a good time, despite the pretty boys from Hobart and the bitches from William Smith.

Saturday I got my hair chopped! Well not butchered, but shortened. I went to Cam's for lunch with my parents before they took me to Canandaigua to see Chicago. Joe and his mom showed up for the same show so we all saw it together. I didn't like it as much as Moulin Rouge, but I did enjoy the old guy behind us who kept saying "Thank God that is over" after every song, lol. After the movie Joe Stacey and I went out to eat at Uncle Joe's. It was cute and fun, but I hate that place so I'm not planning on going back anytime soon. When we were done satifying our appetites we went back to my house to start killing our livers. Joe got wasted pretty quick and was being really funny, but claimed he was being annoying. We ended up watching Toy Story and then playing some games before Emily Bonacci came to pick us up. We went to Wylie's where Ricky was working the door. He was actually being pleasant to me which is surprising after all the brutal attacks I've made on his truck, lol. The highlight of Wylie's was seeing this guy Mike from Seneca Castle that I met on my b-day and has always been the nicest guy to me whenever I see him. It helps that his is hot too.

We left Wylie's for Copperfields, which I remember very little of, except that Jon Millis was there, but I don't remember what I talked to him about. I also remember saying I wanted to go home with Ricky and Joe kept saying "NO!". Joe and Stacey had stopped drinking, again, so I was the only one who was plastered when we left the bars. Bonacci drove me home, where I resisted the overwhelming urge to call Ricky to come get me by calling Tim instead, lol. I also talked to my roommates and didn't get off the phone til about 4am, needless to say I'm exhausted because I had to drive back to Buffalo today, so I going to bed now, g'night!!

Ok, I'll write about all my escapades this weekend when, and if, I make it back to Buffalo. I just want you all to know that I hate driving in the snow (since even before driving to Geneseo) and I need you to pray for me driving home, cause I know I will be!

So I was going to make it a point to not talk about Tim in this blog because I know no one knows him more than that he is in Boston and we talk, but I think if I write about him I will feel better, and that is what I started this blog for, because it is free therapy.

The problem is where to start. About a year ago at this time Tim and I were very much into eachother and we met in Geneva one weekend for the night and we really had an awesome night. We went out to dinner, took a walk by the lake, went to the outlet mall, then went out to the bars with his frat buddies. We even went to breakfast the next morning. So then I went to Boston to visit him in March. I stayed at his house the whole weekend and I think it was a little much. I was overwhelmed because it was only about the second time I'd ever hung out with him, and to have the pressure of being there a whole weekend was hard. By Sunday I had emotionally detatched myself from the situation because I knew it would never work. When I got back to Buffalo, I told Tim I thought we should just be friends and that it was too hard to try and have something more than that at that point in my life.

For a while it was really weird. It was easy to say that we should just be friends but harder to implement. He fought me for awhile on my decision, and we still talked a lot. I mean I really do care about him, but our situtation is hopeless, and I don't know what I want. I am not very good at opening up and being honest about my feelings and that frustrates him. The bottom line is that I can't be with someone who can't be there for me both emotionally and physically. If I am having a bad day I'd rather get a hug from him than a phone call. Our unique situation is that we never had any physical together time before our relationship was long distance. Most long distance relationships begin from being together physically, and we never had that time to hang out and get to know each other's behaviorisms and what not. I also am not willing to move to Boston after graduation to see if things will work, cause I'm just not that confident that it will, especially after what's happened recently.

In November I took a trip to Ithaca with Angie and Julie to visit Joe and to see Tim cause he was going to be in town for a wedding. Before I went I talked to Tim and he told me he had been seeing this girl Sonya from NJ for about 6 months, but that it was over now. Now he was seeing this girl Kirstin in Boston. I wouldn't have cared too much if I hadn't gone to Boston in August and went out to dinner and the bars with him without him telling me he was seeing someone!!! I think it was information I should have received, and I feel it was an utter deception that he didn't tell me. Obviously he didn't tell me about her because he wanted to keep his options open, or he just wanted me to still like him. At first it made me super jealous that he was seeing people and I thought that I was having strong feelings for him again. Only now do I realized that I was being an idiot and all he did was lose my trust. Now if we were to ever try to be together I would always be thinking how easy it would be for him to be seeing people without me knowing!

Most recently I've already written about. I sent him a very well thought out and hard worked on present for Christmas and what did he send? Nothing. Not for my b-day or Christmas. I'm not saying I need some big elaborate present, but come on, how much effort does it take to get me a card and write something nice in it. I just feel like he doesn't care about me anymore, at all. It hurts. I'd be lying if I said I never think about him, but I often wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. Maybe it's for the better though. This way I know he has stopped liking me, and I can get over him. But then today he says something stupid like that he "is missing out". I should have responded with "yeah it shows that you are so heartbroken". I haven't talked to him on the phone in weeks, if he cared at all, or was thinking about me, he'd call. The same could be said for me, but I'm the one who feels hurt, so I'm not breaking down. I graduate in May and am probably moving south, so what the hell is the point....

Ok, I'm sorry to put you through that, but at least now if I write about him in the future, you will know what the hell I'm talking about, lol.

I was in a shitty mood all day yesterday. I have decided I'm the laziest person alive and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I almost started crying in my management class I was so upset. Things brightened up later when I found out that I owe the library $10 for leaving a laptop at the Periodicals desk instead of the Circulation desk. Fuckin bastard school.

I did have a good night though. Julie came to pick me up and we went to get Pinky. We were gonna drive Pinky to his boy toy's house but he decided he'd rather hang with us, since it was raining and he'd have to walk home. So we went to Conner's to steal some CDs to burn. While the CDs were being burned we hung out across the street with my friend from freshman year, Big Matt. If you saw him you would know why we call him Big Matt. I haven't hung out with him in a long time because after freshman year we all lived in different places, so it was hard to see him. I really miss his friendship though, so I'm glad we went over there. We watched more soft-core Cinemax porn too, so that was uplifting, lol. I went to bed feeling much better about my day...

Well just when I thought my internet was fixed, it goes and breaks again. It is fixed again now *knock on wood*, so hopefully my blog will be more up to date.

Thursday night I went over to Pinky's to hang out with him and Jules. We just sat around, drank, and watched soft-core porn on digital cable, lol. Jake and his friend stopped over too, so I got to do some semi-innocent flirting, which was nice. Eventually I had to call a shuttle to take me home or I would have drunk all night.

Friday Angie and Erica came to visit me!! Erica had never been to my school, and Angie had only been once my freshman year, so I was really glad they could make it. I dragged them to a Classical music concert by the BPO because I had to go for class, but I think they enjoyed it at least a little. It was rather boring at times, but it felt good to get some culture, lol. After the concert we got beer and came back to my apt to start drinking. We did some dancing, some makeovers, and basically got pretty drunk. Lynn drove us to the bar, where we hung out near the window. I'm writing that because that's one of the only things I absolutely remember, that we were near the window most of the night. I also remember talking to this guy from Geneva, who told Erica I was one of his first friends at Canisius and that I made him feel really welcome or something. I think I've only talked to the kid like 5 times in my entire college career... which leads me to believe he doesn't have many friends, but I'm glad to have impacting his life so much through our brief encounters, lol. I also remember some guy kept asking me for a lighter. Lynn drove us home where Erica confessed that if she were to marry Pat she would have to name herself Joseph. Which Angie and I found very interesting and we suggested she name herself Josef Stalin. All in all it was a great night and was extremely entertaining. Saturday we went to Pano's for brunch and the girls headed back to their respective schools.

Last night I did NOT want to go out to any bars. For some reason I was just getting sick of the entire bar scene. So I went over to Connor's house were Pinky, Bogner, Dan and Connor were hanging out. Pinky was upset because his friend never called him to meet up at the bar, so he dragged Bogner out with him to get wasted. Since I refused to go to the bar, I stayed with Dan and Connor and we went to Jordan's.  After Jordan's, I went back to Connor and Dan's and passed out on the couch. Damn alcohol.

Today Connor, Bogner, and my roommate Katie came with me to Medaille to see Steph cheer cause Cazenovia was playing them. It was good to see Steph, but the game sucked, lol. Now I must go write a paper, even though I feel like I just wrote a novel... I hope you enjoyed it, lol.