So I was going to make it a point to not talk about Tim in this blog because I know no one knows him more than that he is in Boston and we talk, but I think if I write about him I will feel better, and that is what I started this blog for, because it is free therapy.

The problem is where to start. About a year ago at this time Tim and I were very much into eachother and we met in Geneva one weekend for the night and we really had an awesome night. We went out to dinner, took a walk by the lake, went to the outlet mall, then went out to the bars with his frat buddies. We even went to breakfast the next morning. So then I went to Boston to visit him in March. I stayed at his house the whole weekend and I think it was a little much. I was overwhelmed because it was only about the second time I'd ever hung out with him, and to have the pressure of being there a whole weekend was hard. By Sunday I had emotionally detatched myself from the situation because I knew it would never work. When I got back to Buffalo, I told Tim I thought we should just be friends and that it was too hard to try and have something more than that at that point in my life.

For a while it was really weird. It was easy to say that we should just be friends but harder to implement. He fought me for awhile on my decision, and we still talked a lot. I mean I really do care about him, but our situtation is hopeless, and I don't know what I want. I am not very good at opening up and being honest about my feelings and that frustrates him. The bottom line is that I can't be with someone who can't be there for me both emotionally and physically. If I am having a bad day I'd rather get a hug from him than a phone call. Our unique situation is that we never had any physical together time before our relationship was long distance. Most long distance relationships begin from being together physically, and we never had that time to hang out and get to know each other's behaviorisms and what not. I also am not willing to move to Boston after graduation to see if things will work, cause I'm just not that confident that it will, especially after what's happened recently.

In November I took a trip to Ithaca with Angie and Julie to visit Joe and to see Tim cause he was going to be in town for a wedding. Before I went I talked to Tim and he told me he had been seeing this girl Sonya from NJ for about 6 months, but that it was over now. Now he was seeing this girl Kirstin in Boston. I wouldn't have cared too much if I hadn't gone to Boston in August and went out to dinner and the bars with him without him telling me he was seeing someone!!! I think it was information I should have received, and I feel it was an utter deception that he didn't tell me. Obviously he didn't tell me about her because he wanted to keep his options open, or he just wanted me to still like him. At first it made me super jealous that he was seeing people and I thought that I was having strong feelings for him again. Only now do I realized that I was being an idiot and all he did was lose my trust. Now if we were to ever try to be together I would always be thinking how easy it would be for him to be seeing people without me knowing!

Most recently I've already written about. I sent him a very well thought out and hard worked on present for Christmas and what did he send? Nothing. Not for my b-day or Christmas. I'm not saying I need some big elaborate present, but come on, how much effort does it take to get me a card and write something nice in it. I just feel like he doesn't care about me anymore, at all. It hurts. I'd be lying if I said I never think about him, but I often wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. Maybe it's for the better though. This way I know he has stopped liking me, and I can get over him. But then today he says something stupid like that he "is missing out". I should have responded with "yeah it shows that you are so heartbroken". I haven't talked to him on the phone in weeks, if he cared at all, or was thinking about me, he'd call. The same could be said for me, but I'm the one who feels hurt, so I'm not breaking down. I graduate in May and am probably moving south, so what the hell is the point....

Ok, I'm sorry to put you through that, but at least now if I write about him in the future, you will know what the hell I'm talking about, lol.