Geneva, Geneva, Geneva... you never change you dirty whore of a city.

So I am home in the lovely state of New York once again living with my parents. A situation I have been able to avoid for the past 5 years. I am not going to knock it, because it was a choice I made, a choice that, at the time, seemed like the most logical step. It's just getting use to living under the constant nagging and over-all parenting that occurs when one returns home that I am not that keen on. I am just adjusting to it again.

You may (or may not) be asking yourself why I chose to return to a place that I will continue to complain about for as long as I am here probably. I ask myself that question to. I suppose it's because I can't make a decision on what the hell I want to do with my life. By returning home, I am delaying making that decision for as long as possible. I am taking the easy way out. I am being the most avoidant of avoidants.

I love my parents. I love my friends at home. I have moments in Geneva that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. But I also know there is a world outside of Geneva, if I am willing to explore it. I have been independant enough to move to Martha's Vineyard on my own and then to Boston. I have only been able to put up with these "non-home" environments for brief periods of time though before I freak out and need to come home for a few weeks. I am starting to think I have ADD when it come to other cities. I am starting to think I am scared of being independant than I ever imagined I was.

I am going to be 24 on Wednesday. That is huge for me. I am 24 and in the same town I grew up in, at the same job I had in high school, living with my parents. I feel like I have failed myself. I have an education, I have money in the bank, I have experience in my career, but I have no direction. I have no one telling me what to do next and it scares the shit out of me.

When you go from grade school to high school, it's the next step. You don't question it, you don't think it's the wrong choice... it's what happens after 8th grade. When you go from high school to college, you have to make your first big decision. Where do I want to go? What should I study? But the nice thing about that is- you have councilors, parents, teachers, all "grown ups" with experience and knowledge to help you make the decision. There was little or no questioning in my mind that college was the next step after high school... it's what you do next.

But my huge massive, overwhelming problem is... WHAT NEXT? I have graduated from college. I have taken all the steps I was "suppose to". Now what? I am sitting here waiting for someone else to make a decision for me cause it's the hardest thing I can think of doing right now. I have never doubted myself or my ablitiy to figure out what is right for me than I am right now. Because I don't know what I want to do, I am starting to doubt my major in college, I am starting to doubt my decision in colleges. I am even going all the way back to my decision to go to DeSales over Geneva High. I am trying to track my decisions to where i can figure out what I did wrong, if I even did anything wrong. When what I should be doing is deciding what I can do to be happy with all the decisions I made and have no regrets in the future.

Some people would say I am having my quarter-life crisis. I would say I've been having it for years. I just don't know how to break the cycle.