Friday I got up and got ready so I could go and buy Julie's birthday gift. I love shopping for people, and I love seeing their reactions when they open what I've given them, so I immediately wrapped her gift and headed over to her house even though her birthday wasn't til Saturday. I'm so impatient. I got her a book of dream interpretations, some candy, a votive holder w/ a candle, and some post-its that say "CHOCOLATE: It's not just for breakfast anymore" because her and I have this whole theory on chocolate. She really seemed to like it and we just laid around for a while trying to remember dreams and get their interpretations, lol. Then we did some errands running and I left around 6pm cause I had to go to a concert for my BPO class. I probably could have skipped the concert, but I went anyways, it wasn't like I had made plans or anything (I'd have to have friends who wanted to hang out with me for that to happen).
After the concert I went back to the house and picked up Lynn, Rachel and Beth to go to a bar party at Quote. My friend Dee had a free party so we got in for free and drank for free til 11pm. Jake was there and was completely hammered so he was hitting on me more than the usual, lol. Julie called sometime after 11 and wanted us to meet her out for a drink cause she was going out with John. So I drove us there (after getting a parking ticket, damn Buffalo police with nothing better to do) and we stayed for a bit, but Lynn was tired so we left by like 1:30. Beth and I weren't tired, so we headed to where Pinky and Jake were. They ended up coming back to our apartment. I know Jake only came back cause he wanted to hook up, and we did kiss a little, but I didn't want to do anything else so I drove him home and Beth and Pinky and I went to Big Matt's house. Where we watched softcore porn and made up our own plots to them, lol...

Saturday was Julie's b-day, so her and I decided to walk to the Boulevard Mall which is at least a 5 mile walk one way, lol. It was actually a really good time cause we talked a lot and I really like learning more about Jules cause she's such a great person, so much more of a "real" person than anyone else I know. It only took us about an hour and a half to walk there. We met Bogner and Tim's girlfriend Amanda there, but they cheated and drove. We didn't stay long and actually decided to go to the Galleria Mall instead, lol. So Bogner drove us back to my car and we went shopping there for something to wear out to The Government (a club in Toronto) where we were planning on going that night. I didn't find anything to wear, but it at least got me out of the house for the day. When I got home I went to Wegmans with Lynn and Beth for some eats and money. I got upset cause when I took money out, I realized how low my balance was and how I really need to stop spending. I also started having second thoughts about going to Toronto. I really didn't have the money to, and I didn't think I could stay up all night at the club. So when I got back I called Jules and told her I didn't think I was going. I ended up getting really upset and crying cause I felt so bad. I just didn't want to disappoint her, but I think it would have been worse if I went and was miserable the whole time.
I got off the phone and was still pretty upset. I think everything just started to hit me at once. I was thinking about my friendships and interactions with people in my life and I just had a breakdown. Some of my friendships I try so hard to be liked, or be appreciated, or be accepted and I just am not. So I think to myself "what is wrong with me that this person doesn't want to hang out with me or doesn't want to see me?", then I think that I am a difficult person, which I know I am, but does that mean that I can't have friends? Maybe I'm too selfish, or maybe it's the exact opposite in some cases, maybe the other person is the selfish one and that's why I end up only blaming myself for being unwanted. I don't know why I have this obsession with needing people to like me and with trying to make others happy when I'm the unhappy one. After I graduated from the tears over friendships, I moved on to the tears over my non-existant boyfriends, to my undesireable figure, to my impending graduation, and inevitable future I am so uncertain of. If there has ever been a rock bottom in my life, last night was close to it. Basically I was locked in my room from 8pm on debating whether waking up in the morning would be worth it... since I am writing this blog it's apprent that I found some reason to get up... I'm pretty sure it's because I am hoping that things get better and because I don't think they can get much worse.